I have no idea wat is going on with my head. I don’t know why i am constantly depressed. Not depressed per say, but more of unhappy. Finding it hard to smile these days. So much so that my face doesn’t have that natural lil permanent smile anymore. I don’t know wat to think to make me smile. I don’t know why i am upset. I don’t know wats bothering me. Do i need a break?? It HAS been long since i ran away from things. Maybe i need time away from everything. Kinda click the reset button on things. Wat is it that is bothering me?? Am i bored??? Probably lonely?? Yea lonely.. i think thats it. But the sad fucking part is that i don’t see myself capable of being in a relationship anymore. I do get people interested in me. There are people who fancy me. But somehow i cant see myself with any of em. I cant see myself getting involved anymore. I don’t think i can take that crap anymore. Relationships to me are too full of lies and deceit. Too full of fake smiles and forced emotions. People aren’t sincere anymore. Gone are the days when u can meet a girl and know for sure that u will end up marrying her. Nope. Not anymore. People are incapable of honesty. Incapable of sincerity. People do not understand the value of gratitude. Nope. People don’t. I try to be the person who gives. Give give give. Thats all i try to do. If i cant be happy, then i shall try my very best to make the people around me as happy as possible. Somehow i see meaning to my life by doing that. But then it reaches a point. When my subconscious mind kinda kicks me ass and points out that people aren’t willing to do for me wat i do for them. Why??? God knows! And somehow god just loves being all mysterious with me. I must be a pretty entertaining guy. Cause i’m pretty sure he’s enjoying the show from up there! Hahahhaha!! I don’t know. I joke about everything but the truth is there’s lil to laugh about in my life. I mean i have everything in the world. But somehow my damn mind refuses to appreciate wat i have and insists on reminding me of wat i don’t have. Bloody mind! I gotta do something about it. I don’t know wat though. Maybe try meditating or something. I’ve tried talking to people. I’ve tried talking to god. Somehow i haven’t found the solutions yet. They must love playing hide and seek. And i seem to suck at this game. Fuck. I mean FUCK!

confusion

I am confused. I am confused at so many things. My whole mind is a mess and the only reason I am writing this is in hopes of helping clear a little bit of that mess. I don’t even know where to begin. Today is Monday the 25^th October 2010. I just got back from a weekend in kl. Attended a show. Brilliant! Absolutely brilliant! Kings and queens of comedy asia. Wow! It was bloody awesome! I laughed so hard my stomach was in cramps! I couldn’t breathe and was pretty much choking on god knows what! That was on Saturday night. On Sunday I woke up and had breakfast with Gwen. DIM SUM!! Woo woo!! I bloody love dim sum. I think it’s absolutely delicious. Everything about it is awesome!! The flavours! The bite size! The variety! Mm mm mmm!!! There’s this one place I love going somewhere in sri petaling. Gwen introduced me to this place. Dim sum there is so so fresh! Ingredients so incredibly fresh! The prawns! The minced pork! Everything! Such a lovely way to start a Sunday. After breakfast we headed to midvalley. Gardens actually. Gwen wanted to d o a lil shopping! That girl bought herself 2 watches!! 2!!! Came up to about 800 for both. But that girl deserves it. She works hard. She deserves to pamper herself with pricey things. Happy for her! Once that was done, we headed to spaghetti grill. Had a few beers. Sat down for about 3 hours and just talked stories. It’s nice talking to Gwen. She gets me. Very very very few people get me. For most I am just lost. Some think I am way too mature for my age. Some think I think too much. But Gwen gets me. We share similar ideas on a lot of topics. Relationships, career, money, moral values... a lot. I really enjoyed myself. Dropped her home at about 5.30 in the evening and headed to kapil’s place. He was hitching a ride back with me. Journey was ok. Nothing great. Was pretty pissed that I couldn’t pick up my car this weekend. Now I gotta somehow plan a trip down one of these weekdays to pick it up. Its gonna be a real hassle. But totally worth it! Woohoo! Kandha has a new ride! Went to sg besar and met Nathan for dinner at kfc. Talked a lil stories and headed back to ube after that. Reached home at about 10. Was too lazy to shower so I washed up, prayed, talked to mom a bit, and knocked out. Today I have been a pig. A real real pig. After calling muster, I visited fld 53. Supervised a lil then headed back to me office and watched piranha 3d. Watching this movie is like watching soft porn!!! Bloody hell! There was so much of nudity!! Not that I am complaining of course. I am a guy! What kind of a guy would complain about nudity! Once that movie was done, I felt a lil guilty about wasting so much time so I started my bike and went to the nursery. Din was there. Talked to him a lil and then met niru for lunch at 11. Went home at 11.30 and slept till about 12.30. woke up, headed back to the office, and sat down and talked stories to kandasamy till my lunch break. He is really different. Somehow educated. His ideas and the way he thinks is completely different from most people you would find in an estate. I am surprised! He really impresses me! I had a really good time talking to him. Lately I have been having many good conversations. Maybe this is god’s way of helping me sort out crap in my head. People have been teaching me so so much lately. Its incredible. It really really is. My mind is in such a mess lately. And these people have all amazingly been helping clear them up unknowingly. Yup. God is out there.