DEEPAVALI!!!!!!!!

Looks like another year has passed! And Deepavali is here again!! All through my time in college, or actually from the time I was in form 5, I hadn’t celebrated Deepavali. All because those damn exams very specifically designed to clash with Hindu festive seasons. For 5 years I had not celebrated Deepavali. Then I started working. And boy oh boy have I been going crazy for Deepavali. This is gonna be the third Deepavali I will be celebrating while at UP.

I LOVE DEEPAVALI!!! I think it brings out the real Indian in me. I love everything about it! The colours!! The music!! The people!! The food!!! The glorious glorious food!!! How can u possibly say no to mutton vareval!! And idli and chicken curry for breakfast!!! Damn!!!!!! Its freaking awesome!!!!

An ideal Deepavali for me is one which stars early early in the morning. So early that even the bloody rooster is fast asleep. Nice cold shower, get all dressed up, and head to the temple. For years I had been going to the Tannimalai Temple. It’s not just about praying when you go to the temple. It’s about absorbing everything there! The lovely brown people dressed in the colours of ranggoli! Ladies with more gold on them than the Federal Reserve!! The beautiful beautiful young women your eyes keep getting drawn to!! The smell in the air of incense and perfume. Nice cold breeze gentling brushing against your skin. It’s amazing.. Truly truly amazing. The feeling is incomparable.

Then once you’re done with the temple, it’s time to head home for breakfast. Get home, strip down to nothing but boxers, and feast away on an endless supply of idli and chicken curry and coconut chutney!!! aaaahhhHhhHHHhHHhhHHHHh!!!!! Freaking orgasmic!!!! And just when you thought u can’t eat anymore, there comes more idli and chicken!!! HAHAHAHHAHA!!!

Then the whole family retires to the living room upstairs and drops in front of the TV. We become temporarily paralyzed as the idlis gently digest in out enlarged bellies. Our eyes try its best to focus on some random program on TV. Most fall asleep. Some crave for fags. But all too lazy to move an inch. And as our bodies gently start gaining its senses again, we rise up and drag ourselves to the kitchen where it’s time to help mom with the cooking. A whole shitload of cooking. Everything from mutton to prawns! Veges of all sorts! Deserts that most would not have even imagined! And an elephant crapload of rice! Once all is done, we sit around on the dining table and feast away! Large portions of the curries cooked are stored in the fridge to feel hungry souls later on that night. Gently we feel our stomachs bloat up again. Parents crash on their beds for a well deserved afternoon nap. Sister locks herself in her room and knocks out. My brother and I excuse ourselves to go to the shops on the pretext of buying ice cream but instead we light up incredible fags the moment out asses hit the car seat. Once we’re done, we come home and knock out too.

Family wakes us up at about 4.30 in the evening. It’s time to get the house all cleaned up. Dishes washed. Chairs arranged. Food reheated. Sister’s cats thrown in some room. It’s time to prepare for the arrival of our guests. Crates of beer are thrown into huge pails with ice. Half go missing thanks to the lovely sons in the family. Hehe. Decorations are put up. The velake is lit. Scented candles and oil burners are lit. And we wait. All dressed we wait. Then the doorbell rings and we welcome our first guests in. Get the men some beers and the women soft drinks. Then the doorbell rings again. More guests. Then more doorbell rings and more people start coming in. Before we know it, the house is packed! Beer is flowing! People are laughing! Food is everywhere! Everyone is having a gala! Ladies help themselves at dinner first while the men try to act like gentlemen. But in truth, we just wanna drink more! And once the women are done and start nagging their husbands or kids, we dive head first into the large portions of food on out plates.

Somehow it’s magical how Indian food hits the spot after drinking a shitload of beers. It’s an incredible feeling! Before we know it, the night it late and families start bidding their farewells. One by one they leave. The house slowly gets quieter and quieter. Then the sucky part begins. Cleaning up. My brother and I race to get things done. Kitchen is cleaned. Pots and pans and plates are washed. Tables are wiped. Leftover food is packed and placed into the fridge. Lights are switched off and that officially ends Deepavali at home.

But then, the afterparty starts! The family is fast asleep and the sons sneak out. Well we don’t have to sneak out anymore actually. Our parents know we’re old enough to manage ourselves. So they let us free to paint towns red! My brother heads his own way and I head mine. I meet up friends at some random dodgy place somewhere and we start boozing up. The nice thing about these guys is it doesn’t matter where we drink or what we drink. We somehow always manage to have a great time! Once we’re nice and high, we shoot off! Jumping from one club to another. Start slow with a nice Indian club. Nothing beats Indian music to an Indian man when he’s flying! Then to someplace a lil heavier. With thumping loud music. So loud that your heart skips a beat every time the base beats! And we dance our sorrows away! Flirt with every girl we meet! Drink till we can’t drink no more! At about 3 the clubs close.

But Deepavali is yet to be over. My friends who are shitwasted by this time somehow pull themselves together and head home. Me on the other hand, I want more! So I give my brother a call. And knowing him, he’s sitting on the beach somewhere with a bonfire along with a few friends guzzling away on a few bottles of whiskey. I join them. We drink and drink. Light fireworks and brighten the skies above us. Joke about idiotic things and laugh our heads off. And we wait. And wait. I usually knock out for a couple of hours. But they wait. And at the exact moment they wake me up. The sun is about to rise. And my whack brother has this weird need to be in the sea swimming around with a bottle of whiskey in his hands to greet the sun as it rises. The water is freezing cold and we are all down to our boxers. Soaking and floating around. Still drinking. My jaws shiver. My body is numb. And just when I think I can’t take this no more, bliss occurs. Paradise. My savoir arrives. The sun rises and slowly we feel warm rays hitting out ice cold faces. Ahhhh.. No words can describe this feeling. Bliss. Everyone goes quiet as we relish this incredible feeling. For a clean half hour, everyone is in their own world. Their own thoughts. All with faint tiny smiles on their faces. A truly incredible half hour.

After about an hour of warming ourselves up, we pack up and head off. Food first of course. And nothing hits the spot like a lil nasi kandar early in the morning! Once we’re stuffed and still flying high, we drive home and crash on our beds.

Deepavali comes to an end. And incredible incredible end.

The not so perfect life..

Life is incredibly beautiful. I mean how many of us actually take the time to look back at things and awe over its splendours?? We all get too caught up in such petty little issues that we never appreciate what we have. Sad isn’t it? I think it’s really sad. Life will never be perfect. Never. No one has a perfect life. And it’s about time we realize that. Stop comparing yourself to people who you consider to be more fortunate. There is no such thing. The universe is beautiful in this sense. Everyone is born with their own advantages and their equal share of drawbacks. Never at any one time will everything be going well for any one person. When finance, family relations and social relations are going well, our hearts will crave and yearn for love. The lack of that special someone will be such a drawback in our lives that it blinds us from everything else we have. The same applies to everything else. When we have love, family relations might be tense. When we have family relations, finance may be problematic. Now this is normal. Completely normal. There is absolutely nothing wrong with it. The only fucked up part is how we are so very ungrateful. We completely forget about everything else we have going on in our life when one thing is messed up. You get me? We make such a mockery over things we don’t have. We spend so much bloody time thinking and obsessing over what’s missing that we completely completely forget about the golden nuggets in our pockets. That’s bloody messed up. I live a life surrounded by a lot of people. And lots of them tend to confide in me. They share their problems. I don’t know why but they just do. And quite frankly I am fucking tired of their bullshit problems. I am tired of them bitching about what’s not going well. Why the fuck don’t they just talk and share with others the wonders going on in their life? Why?

I have no idea wat is going on with my head. I don’t know why i am constantly depressed. Not depressed per say, but more of unhappy. Finding it hard to smile these days. So much so that my face doesn’t have that natural lil permanent smile anymore. I don’t know wat to think to make me smile. I don’t know why i am upset. I don’t know wats bothering me. Do i need a break?? It HAS been long since i ran away from things. Maybe i need time away from everything. Kinda click the reset button on things. Wat is it that is bothering me?? Am i bored??? Probably lonely?? Yea lonely.. i think thats it. But the sad fucking part is that i don’t see myself capable of being in a relationship anymore. I do get people interested in me. There are people who fancy me. But somehow i cant see myself with any of em. I cant see myself getting involved anymore. I don’t think i can take that crap anymore. Relationships to me are too full of lies and deceit. Too full of fake smiles and forced emotions. People aren’t sincere anymore. Gone are the days when u can meet a girl and know for sure that u will end up marrying her. Nope. Not anymore. People are incapable of honesty. Incapable of sincerity. People do not understand the value of gratitude. Nope. People don’t. I try to be the person who gives. Give give give. Thats all i try to do. If i cant be happy, then i shall try my very best to make the people around me as happy as possible. Somehow i see meaning to my life by doing that. But then it reaches a point. When my subconscious mind kinda kicks me ass and points out that people aren’t willing to do for me wat i do for them. Why??? God knows! And somehow god just loves being all mysterious with me. I must be a pretty entertaining guy. Cause i’m pretty sure he’s enjoying the show from up there! Hahahhaha!! I don’t know. I joke about everything but the truth is there’s lil to laugh about in my life. I mean i have everything in the world. But somehow my damn mind refuses to appreciate wat i have and insists on reminding me of wat i don’t have. Bloody mind! I gotta do something about it. I don’t know wat though. Maybe try meditating or something. I’ve tried talking to people. I’ve tried talking to god. Somehow i haven’t found the solutions yet. They must love playing hide and seek. And i seem to suck at this game. Fuck. I mean FUCK!

confusion

I am confused. I am confused at so many things. My whole mind is a mess and the only reason I am writing this is in hopes of helping clear a little bit of that mess. I don’t even know where to begin. Today is Monday the 25^th October 2010. I just got back from a weekend in kl. Attended a show. Brilliant! Absolutely brilliant! Kings and queens of comedy asia. Wow! It was bloody awesome! I laughed so hard my stomach was in cramps! I couldn’t breathe and was pretty much choking on god knows what! That was on Saturday night. On Sunday I woke up and had breakfast with Gwen. DIM SUM!! Woo woo!! I bloody love dim sum. I think it’s absolutely delicious. Everything about it is awesome!! The flavours! The bite size! The variety! Mm mm mmm!!! There’s this one place I love going somewhere in sri petaling. Gwen introduced me to this place. Dim sum there is so so fresh! Ingredients so incredibly fresh! The prawns! The minced pork! Everything! Such a lovely way to start a Sunday. After breakfast we headed to midvalley. Gardens actually. Gwen wanted to d o a lil shopping! That girl bought herself 2 watches!! 2!!! Came up to about 800 for both. But that girl deserves it. She works hard. She deserves to pamper herself with pricey things. Happy for her! Once that was done, we headed to spaghetti grill. Had a few beers. Sat down for about 3 hours and just talked stories. It’s nice talking to Gwen. She gets me. Very very very few people get me. For most I am just lost. Some think I am way too mature for my age. Some think I think too much. But Gwen gets me. We share similar ideas on a lot of topics. Relationships, career, money, moral values... a lot. I really enjoyed myself. Dropped her home at about 5.30 in the evening and headed to kapil’s place. He was hitching a ride back with me. Journey was ok. Nothing great. Was pretty pissed that I couldn’t pick up my car this weekend. Now I gotta somehow plan a trip down one of these weekdays to pick it up. Its gonna be a real hassle. But totally worth it! Woohoo! Kandha has a new ride! Went to sg besar and met Nathan for dinner at kfc. Talked a lil stories and headed back to ube after that. Reached home at about 10. Was too lazy to shower so I washed up, prayed, talked to mom a bit, and knocked out. Today I have been a pig. A real real pig. After calling muster, I visited fld 53. Supervised a lil then headed back to me office and watched piranha 3d. Watching this movie is like watching soft porn!!! Bloody hell! There was so much of nudity!! Not that I am complaining of course. I am a guy! What kind of a guy would complain about nudity! Once that movie was done, I felt a lil guilty about wasting so much time so I started my bike and went to the nursery. Din was there. Talked to him a lil and then met niru for lunch at 11. Went home at 11.30 and slept till about 12.30. woke up, headed back to the office, and sat down and talked stories to kandasamy till my lunch break. He is really different. Somehow educated. His ideas and the way he thinks is completely different from most people you would find in an estate. I am surprised! He really impresses me! I had a really good time talking to him. Lately I have been having many good conversations. Maybe this is god’s way of helping me sort out crap in my head. People have been teaching me so so much lately. Its incredible. It really really is. My mind is in such a mess lately. And these people have all amazingly been helping clear them up unknowingly. Yup. God is out there.

UBE!

Goodness gracious me! Its been ages since i wrote in this thing! wow! I bloody love blogs! Today i decided to read all those things i posted months back. And what a feeling! I mean i had flashbacks of people, and faces, and incidents, and emotions! Its bloody awesome!!!!

I got transferred last week. I'm now running my very own department which covers 5 other estates. This is the first time someone in the research department has ever been given the opportunity. And all i can say is 'ITS FUCKIN AWESOME!!!!!'
This is heaven! I mean work is tough. I call shots, so i have to pretty much make sure i dont fuck up. I decide everything here. SO there isnt gonna be anyone whom i can run and hide behind whenever a mistake happens. Its challenging. But i love the challenge. I will prove myself worthy. I shall show them how great i can be. I'm bound to make mistakes. But like some random dude once said, mistakes are stepping stones on the pathway to success! SO woohoo!!! I shall make as many mistakes as possible! HAHAHHAHAHA!
Anyway, things have been pretty great lately. Life is still single. HAHAHHA! But somehow i'm starting to enjoy it. I enjoy the freedom. I enjoy my space. I enjoy how i have time for everyone else now. Things are good with the family. Sister is fucking up though. She has gotten herself into such a mess. My parents are dazed. Still in a state of shock. NO one knows wat to do. Not even me. Bloody hell. I hate her for doing thins to the family. But i will somehow sort it out. I have to.
I havent been focusing on myself much lately. With the transfer and all the changes that has been happening, somehow i havent been able to find time for myself. I look like a mess. Skin is burnt to the bone. My hair is probably long enough to pull the prince up Rapunzel's tower. I havent worked out in ages! As in ageeeeees! Diet is temporarily messed up. Havent gotten myself a routine yet. So yea.. I am a mess!
Work here is BlOoDY AWESOME! I love it here! Absolutely love it! People here are insanely friendly. Everyone seems to get along well with everyone else! And the best part, they're all of the same cuckoo frequency as me!! WOOHOO! Work is stress free. Once everything is planned well, there's not much to worry about. No boss to run after u all day. No need to be watching over your back each time you light up a fag. No need to hold ur poop back till ur break time! HAHAHHA!! If poopie come, then poopie i shall go! I love it here. Its about 1.5 hours from kl. That means i can go to kl almost every week if i wan to and not have to think twice about the tiring journey. The clubhouse here is freakin Bombastic! Crap i cant believe i just used the work bombastic. U see?? THIS is wat estate life does to u! U get trapped in a whirlpool of time and space! HAHAHHAHAHAHAHHA!!! But seriously, the club house is amazing. The swimming pool, the tennis court, the badminton court, the snooker table, the ping pong table, the lounge, the bar, and of course the insanely cheap alcoholic beverages! Its all bloody bloody awesome! I have so much of time for myself. Maybe not now as i'm still getting settled in. But once all is done, i will have so so much time for myself. That can be both a good thing and a bad thing. Good as in stress free and i get to do anything i want, ad bas as in knowing my bloody mind, its gonna drift off into some dark world.. Dammit.. I might need a psychiatrist in a few months.. I wonder if there are any incredible beautiful single young psychiatrists out there.. Hmm.. HAHAHAH!
But all in all, i love it here. This is the place where i am gonna prove myself. This is the place where i get to show the world what i am capable of. This is the place which is gonna transform me into the King i once thought I'd be! Yup.. i will make it happen .. U just watch..
My mind is still messed up. After about a year and a half since things happened, my mind is still bloody messed up. But that i shall talk about another day. Me dont wanna get meself all depressed and emo on this beautiful beautiful thursday afternoon! Thats all for now, Future-King-To-Be signing out!

god

i used to have everything. now i don't have everything. its bloody weird how life tends to fluctuate like this. at one point in life u may feel like u have the world! as though your life was complete. flawless. perfect! but seconds later, life just fees so empty. i wonder why that is. i never really quite understood. i used to have the world! i used to wake up smiling, go through my day smiling, go to bed smiling, and probably even sleep smiling! but things change. a few months back i used to get depressed, upset, confused thinking about this. but now i look at things differently. its god. yup. god. the man upstairs. the great one. the creator. the general manager of life. probably even the director or CEO! i believe in god. i like believing in god. sometimes, i feel like i must believe in god. i need god. some people don't believe in god. i understand that. no one knows for sure if god even exist. but whatever said and done, i think we all need god. we need wat he represents. all of us are of different religions. with different gods. but i believe they are all the same. you see, to me god somehow puts things into perspective. when we are upset, we tend to say things like 'its god's will' or 'god has plans for us.. he wants us to go through this.. he has a motive for doing things'. if its true or not, i do not know. but we still need it. we need that faith. we need some kind of comforting. we need to know that things can and will get better. now thats where we need him/her (i dont know if god's a he or she so bear with me). life is all about the way we feel inside. the way we feel about things. happy or sad depends entirely on the way each person perceives things. wat is happy for one may be sad for another. it is all in our individual minds. and if there is god who we can use to ease things in our head, then why not believe in him?? if it helps us smile through a storm, then why not??
god has helped me a lot. once again, i dont know if he exists or not, but the idea of god, the idea of a greater being watching over us, has helped me a whole lot. i can go through shit and yet smile thinking that things will get better. it might just get worse, but it still made me smile for a split second there. and i think thats more than enough reason for me to believe in him. i'm a guy. and i like thinking of myself as being that all manly macho kinda guy. but i seem to be a pretty emotional person. i get upset easily. i get angry easily. and at the same time, i get all excited easily. thinking of god somehow helps me buffer all this. when something has gone bad, i smile by thinking that god's done it for a reason and once i get through it, i will somehow benefit from it. when something goes well, i smile and think that he did it for a reason. i guess this helps prevent things from getting to my head. k this is all for you. read this once in a while to remind urself of wat you have gone through and wat you have felt. right now things are going both well and bad. u are working. you've been single for about 1 year 3 months now. you are lonely. but u are meeting people like crazy! never have you been this lucky with women! never! i seem to be on fire! almost every week i am meeting someone new and somehow that person tends to get really fond of me! so so so many people that its crazy! this has never happened to me before!!! never! i swear! and when all this happens, i dont wan things to get to my head. i dont wanna think of myself as all that. no. thats why i think of god. i look at it as he's somehow testing me. he wants to see how i deal with temptation. since you will be the only one reading this, lets be honest with ourself k, we have been dry for quite some time!! i mean really really dry!! i havent had sex in months!! about a year i think!! and thats bad!! bad bad bad!!! with all these women coming after you, you would expect me to be indulging on the forbidden fruit!! bloody hell i am tempted!! tempted to the extend that i sometimes have to literally slap some sense back into myself!! no k. no. god had a reason for doing this. number one, he wants you to be a modest humble guy. the world may throw itself at you, but that doesnt mean you are the king of the universe. second, he's doing this to see if u deserve to get something better. if u fall and crumble right now, you'll never taste that sweet sweet prize awaiting you. now this may all be a whole lot of shit you thought up in your head, but screw it, we shall believe in it. even if nothing comes our way, even if there is no such sweet prize, screw it, lets keep to our principles. somehow it all adds up to who you are and wat you believe in. i dont respect those idiotic men who call themselves players. screw it, i dont envy them. not at all. i would rather wait and wait till i find that one perfect girl. yup! believe in it k. even if it doesnt work out, hey, as a consolation, you'd be a great guy!

who am i?

I hate myself. I dont know what there is to hate. But i hate myself. Since a few things happened to me last year, i changed myself. I forced myself to change. I cater to people. I cater to everyone's needs. Everyone's desires. I change myself for the sole purpose of making others feel happy. I blend in beautifully with people. With everyone. I click with people of all different lifestyles. With all different backgrounds. From all different levels of life. To such an extent i learned, i forced myself to learn, how to blend in. How to act and speak in from of eacch person based on who they are. And i am good at it. Really really good at it. I speak really well. I carry myself bloody well. Everyone i talk to somehow feel like they can connect to me. Everyone i talk to somehow take a liking to me. Everyone. And this is not something I am trying to brag about. I have been fooling myself. No one else but myself. I do things for people. I change who I am every minute of the day to cater to those who arearound me. I do it and i do it well. So well that each person, everyone, every-bloody-one thinks that they know me. EVERYONE! And each one knows me as a different person. Ask people about me and everyone will give u a different description about me. What the fuck have i done. What the fuck have i done to myself. I have been playing in this bloody play for so long that now, bloody now, i dont even fucking know myself. I dont know who i am. i dont fucking know who the hell I bloody am!!!